Let's Talk Confidence
September 05, 2017I’m going to be totally honest with you – I have never been a truly confident person. In fact, for most of my life I have lived with a ‘fake it till you make it’ kind of attitude. It’s so easy to look at other people’s lives and think that they have it all, or that they know what they’re doing and who they are. I’ve written about the pressures of comparisons before and how detrimental they are to us as human beings – they stop us from achieving what we are truly capable of.
I was bullied for most of my young childhood and unfortunately, as Dubai was so ‘small’ back then, even when I went to secondary school I couldn’t escape from the people who had once mocked or made fun of me. Needless to say, even throughout secondary school I had sub-zero confidence – I was they shyest person in the class and avoided answering questions, talking in class or putting my hand up. I developed a sort of sixth sense of knowing when a teacher was going to make me answer a question and I would get all hot, sweaty, out of breath and be in total panic. I actually cried once while giving a French presentation when I was 17 purely because the head boy was in my class – mortifying. But that’s how shy and unconfident I was.
Fast forward 8 years and now my job is to be in front of people talking, laughing and listening. If anyone asked me to lead a fitness class back when I was 17 I would have run out the room crying, yet now it’s my absolute comfort zone.
Would I say I’m confident now?
To be honest, not 100%. I’m confident that I can stand up in front of people now and own a room, which for me is an achievement. I’m confident in my choices – like my marriage, starting a business and the direction I want my life to go in. However, when it comes to body confidence or being confident in who I am, I’m not totally sure I’m quite there yet.
When I went to university I think my mum and dad were both a little concerned that I was too shy and might not cope. I pretty much had never had a boyfriend, never had a drop of alcohol, never been exposed to any sort of drugs, never said a swear word in my 17 years and pretty much lived a blissful and sheltered life – so even I was a bit nervous that I wouldn’t fit in. I started doing my own research and my mum helped too, buying me books on confidence and assertiveness so that I could be the boss of my own life. I was so innocent that one piece of advice my mum gave me was ‘you do know that you can say the word ‘crap’ now – it’s not really a swear word’.
Looking back, I can only really laugh at that! I find it so sad though that it was my choice to not follow the crowd in school that made me isolated and alone – surely being a kind person should make you the most popular?
While I was reading these books, I had this thought running through my head the whole time:
‘Why don’t I have friends just because I don’t want to drink or party? Don’t people just want a kind friend?’
I soon came to realise I had no confidence. I was pushed around so much, walked over by so many people that I didn’t even have any opinions of my own. I couldn’t write down my favourite movie, or my favourite song as I just didn’t know. All I could think about was everyone else’s favourite movie and favourite song. A massive truth bomb hit me:
I wasn’t living my life being me, I was living my life trying to please everyone else and actually didn’t know who I was.
So I did some soul searching, I spent hours writing down my opinion on every single thing I could think of! I even wrote down my favourite ‘Friends’ episode because of course everyone has one. What I noticed was a massive shift in my mind-set and suddenly I knew exactly who I was, what I enjoyed, what I wanted from life and what I didn’t like. It started to help me develop a sort of assertiveness that I had never known before – and I loved it! Once you get a taste of self-confidence it becomes totally addictive. You just want more and more and more. I ended up starting university with a new perspective on myself as a person and over the course of 4 years really grew.
Body confidence is a totally different matter altogether though. I was teased for being ‘chubby’ since I can remember (and trust me, I have a brilliant memory). That led to over 13 years of battling on and off with an eating disorder, so I would never say I’m 100% confident with how my body looks. But then again, is anybody? Everyone has their own hang ups about their body and are battling with their own inner dialogue of what they don’t like. Scrolling through Instagram or social media, we are constantly bombarded with the ‘perfect’ body or what we believe is the ‘perfect’ figure and I promise you now – those models you compare yourself to, probably have insecurities too.
There is no such thing as perfect, but if you don’t have body confidence, you at least need to discover body LOVE! The body that you have right now is the only one you’re going to get throughout your life so you have no choice but to cherish it – it’s yours to keep and work with and you SHOULD love it. You NEED to give it the respect it deserves and that is something that you can work on every single day.
Body love is simply loving the body you were gifted with. We all have our flaws and our assets and most of the time just focus on what we believe our flaws are. Ask yourself this though:
What do I love about my body?
Have you ever even asked yourself that question before?
When my mum asked me this question (probably 10 years ago now) it took me ages to answer, but it was something along the lines of: My calves, my nose, my eyes and my wrists. Back then I didn’t have any body confidence at all, so my answers to what I loved about my body were few and far between. All the same, they were what I loved about my body and I have held onto them ever since. Whenever I find myself feeling down about the way I look, I focus on the parts of my body that I love and 10 years later, I can proudly add ‘my bum’ ‘my cheeks’ and ‘my smile’ to the list.
“Body confidence will always come secondary to body love. I’ve learned that without body love you will never achieve body confidence.”
Is it possible to be confident if you have always been shy?
Of course it is! Things that are worth having never come easy, and I won’t lie to you and say that I found my own journey really easy because it wasn’t. I still feel like I’m learning now – I’m learning more and more about myself, what I like, what I don’t like and how I feel about life every single day. It’s just the nature of growth. I’m still shy, I’m still hesitant to share my opinions but it is so worth it when I do and I love pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.
“We are all fiercely independent at heart and have the power to be the boss of our own lives.”
But it’s hard, it’s not easy to love yourself no matter what people tell you. It takes work and dedication but if you respect yourself enough, then you will make it happen. That work will become a daily discipline to make you feel good. That’s how I felt when I started learning how to be confident.
Life isn’t always what it seems. We never know what battles someone is facing and all we can do is constantly be kind. Be a good human being. This month marks the 8 year anniversary of my journey to confidence, and with so many beautiful souls heading to university this year, I wanted to share my journey with you. No matter what you think of yourself you can always grow, evolve and love yourself more and more every day.
It’s worth the hard work, trust me.
Be confident in your decisions, in your likes and dislikes and be confident in your heart and what you believe in. Most importantly have body love – that includes mind and body. Look after your body. Show it love, care and attention every day.
When it comes to your mind – trust it, respect it and keep it open – it’s your biggest asset in your tool box of life.
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