Her Unique Glow

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN

I attended my first yoga class when I was 15. Up until then, my knowledge of Yoga was simply the fun poses my mum would encourage us to try. Even from age 5 or 6, my mum would show us Crow – an arm balance – that both me and my younger sister would enjoy having a go at. I feel so lucky now that this was something we mastered at a young age because it takes away that ‘fear factor’ so many face when entering this asana later on! So thank you mummy bear.

My mum regularly attended Yoga classes twice a week and I begged her to let me join in once I’d completed my GCSE exams. At that time I remember feeling under so much pressure. My school was beautiful, with amazing, talented, incredible students – but my inner mean girl was so creative in her ways to bring me down that I couldn’t escape her. Even though my teachers were huge cheerleaders of every student, I never felt good enough. I felt lost, overwhelmed and under so much self-made pressure to ‘achieve’ that I remember coming home crying every. single. day. So yea – I was desperate to go to this yoga class that seemed to spark so much joy within my mum.

It was an hour and a half long and included EVERYTHING from sun salutations to a variety of asanas, inversions, props, meditation and even a gong! You can imagine the warning looks my mum sent me as Djoeke hit the gong during the closing meditation out of fear I would burst into laughter and show her up.

It was challenging and I ached for days afterwards – just in time for my dance exam – great timing Zenny. But the thing that stood out to me the most, wasn’t the fact I had to lie there vibrating with silent laughter as the gong rang several times while Djoeke chanted. It wan’t the variety of ways she encouraged us to explore moving our bodies. It wasn’t even the introduction to meditation and pranayama (something I wish I’d explored more of as a teenager to help ease my anxiety). It was the teacher herself, Douke.

My mum explained to me at the time that she was well into her 70’s. Yet she looked about 40 and acted about 20! Her body was strong, flexible and youthful and her spirit (although slightly scary to my 15 year old self!) was high vibing and energised. Even now, 15 years later, both my mum and I often talk about her and how vibrant she was at an age where most tend to wind down. Even though I only attended two of her classes, she inspires me even to this day and is THE reason I felt a calling towards Yoga (her, along with my fond memories of practicing ‘Crow’ with my mum and seeing my mum do a head stand – I mean, super cool right?).

I decided then and there, when I was 15, that I was going to be doing head stands when I was nearing 80; that I would be THAT energised and youthful. I had never felt so content as I had been after those classes I attended with mama bear, and knew deep down that Yoga needed to play a BIG part in my life.

The funny thing about dreams is that if you let your inner mean girl (or boy) set up camp, she/he will soon destroy any shred of self-belief within you until those dreams fall into the category of ‘never going to happen love’.

That’s what happened to me.

I spent YEARS skirting around it.

Dipping my toes into the pool of Yoga, without actually going passed my ankles or even letting myself get dressed into my bikini in the first place.

Here’s how:

• I qualified as a fitness instructor and worked in a gym as a receptionist. Only I longed to be a Yoga instructor and teach the classes rather than book people onto them.
• I worked in a women’s gym teaching ‘stretch’ classes.
• I worked for a variety of other gyms teaching every OTHER class under the sun. Except deep down all I wanted to teach was Yoga.
• Eventually I had a cross roads moment with one of my besties. I remember REALLY wanting to do my teacher training, but couldn’t afford the cost or the time of going abroad for a whole month to do it. So she went and did her Yoga Teacher Training and I did my Pilates Training. (Side not: Do NOT regret this AT ALL! I LOVE love love Pilates!)
• Eventually setting up my business and studied for YEARS so that I could help women find their happiest and healthiest self. Something I had first been inspired to achieve after going to Djoeke’s class all those years ago. Amazing right?

Still, my inner mean girl would always diminish my dreams of becoming that Yoga teacher that I’d dreamed of being.

She would tell me:

• You’re not skinny enough
• You’re not flexible enough Zenny
• You can’t do a handstand (something I’m embarrassed to admit almost stopped me from pursuing my 300hour qualification even after I completed my teacher training)
• You don’t have the confidence
• You’ll never know enough
• No one will go to your classes
• There are so many amazing teachers out there – why would anyone choose you?
• Just don’t even try
• You’ll fail

But the thing about your purpose, following your dreams and going through spiritual upgrades (those moments in life where you’re forced to look at yourself and work through all the sticky, uncomfortable, ugly truths about yourself so you can upgrade yourself to the next, awesome, amazing version of yourself!) is that you’ll always find your way back to exploring what it is you desire. Your soul just won’t let you rest until you get to that point you were destined to reach.

MY YOGA TEACHER TRAINING

2020 hit us all hard.
It was yucky.
It was sad.
It was full of heartbreak, uncertainty, upset and anxiety.

I’m not sure any one of us came out unscathed or unaffected by this pandemic.

I struggled.
It was a time for growth and for increased self-understanding.

Then at the end of the year, something happened.

A switch flipped and it felt like my inner mean girl went on holiday (if just for a moment). I had a second of bravery and I signed up to do my Yoga Teacher Training with YogaCourse.com.

I was now a mama to a gorgeous boy which meant I couldn’t go to an in-person teacher training and I most certainly couldn’t travel abroad to Bali! Plus, lockdown here in the UK meant that we were stuck at home. But that wasn’t what made me take this leap – it was K, my lovely, beautiful boy. I have to show up as the example and if I want him to live his life exploring all of his dreams, then I have to show him that his mama can do it too!

Now, do you remember I said that finding like-minded people was important?
Oh baby, was this was an interesting time.

I emailed many different schools and in the end settled with the one I chose because they felt like the most loving community and group of individuals right from the outset. Not just the teachers themselves, but the other students too, who were on a similar journey as myself. I felt like a part of something, and that felt awesome. Plus, did I mention the content, delivery and knowledge of the teachers? It was daunting on one side because I was scared I'd never be as knowing or as wise as them, but so humbling and incredibly inspiring at the same time!

I completely threw myself into it and realised so much about myself in the process – like I said, I had to uncover quite a lot that I’d been hiding over the years and was forced to confront a lot of fears and worries that had been plaguing my mind. But I was addicted and continued to learn and grow even once my initial 200 hours had finished.

AND NOW, YOU MAY ASK?

Well, I’m not going to lie. My inner mean girl still shows up regularly but I no longer allow her to invite herself in for tea and biscuits and then let her overstay her welcome as she tries to dive in for that extra slice of organic vegan chocolate cake. No way sister. I hear what she has to say, but then I use it as an opportunity to do the deep work that’s needed to kick her out on her bony little tush.

I remind myself why this all started. Why I started my Yoga journey, why I started Her Unique Glow, why I started writing my book, why I took on my first, second, tenth, twentieth client… because I wanted to be 80, standing on my head with the biggest smile on my face.

I want to live a long, healthy and full life – being, living and breathing the best and healthiest version of myself possible while encouraging and empowering others to do the same. THAT, my love, is what lights me up every day!

So no, I can’t do a million and one Yoga poses, I’m not naturally flexible and I’m yet to master holding a headstand for more than 10 seconds, but that’s not what makes you qualified to be a Yoga teacher. What does, is an understanding that we are all unique and that everyone approaches the mat differently – both in the way they move their bodies and their intentions for showing up to their practice. It’s about honouring yourself and others and being their guide towards their own self-exploration.

In short – it’s about being kind to yourself and to others.

So if that’s what you desire – if that’s your dream – then go for it! Quieten your inner mean girl, find like-minded and supportive people to help you grow and expand on those dreams and then just go for it, beautiful!

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